


If Only.

by antiprotag



Category: Gintama
Genre: I had a sad dream about Toshi and then this happened, M/M, Very subtle Hijigin content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 13:18:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antiprotag/pseuds/antiprotag
Summary: Deep in his heart, Toshiro longed for all the things he knew he could never have.





	If Only.

He watches him. From the morning to the late evening he catches him in the corner of his eye, wandering in plain sight. He sees him walk down the streets and retreat into the alleys, watches him stumble through heaps of trash and use the wall to guide him home after late nights. No words were ever said, no confrontations or questions asked. Personal lives were fragile and easily broken when touched, but he could only wonder: why did a man so loved by his friends only ever want to be alone? Perhaps he never sought the answer because he already knew.

He was a vagabond, a criminal, a man on the run from his past. Somehow, he managed to bottle it all up and make it into something beautiful, something worth looking at, but even in his silly grins and vacant eyes were there fragments of things he could never truly hide away. Shadows still stood in the dark. There were days where he simply walked toward nothing. He turned and curved around people, his eyes staring out toward a destination that didn't exist, and yet, no matter how far he went, the people close to him were never too far behind. _If only I could run so free,_ he thought. _If only._

Blessings only came to those who deserved them. Gifts were only given to those who could take them. There were no leftovers in life. Even the most unfortunate and unworthy of men were given second chances, but not all of them. Not all of them can be seen through stained windows or behind closed doors. If a man like him – brash, impudent, no more clean of sin than any other, strangely so bright to the naked eye – could have a gift so golden, a blessing so fruitful, why not he? Perhaps he never sought the answer because he already knew.

He catches him, this lonely man who makes himself scarce in crowds, who finds himself blinded by the light of other people. He catches him in the corner of his eye and walks with him without saying a word. It was his duty to keep and eye on such a notorious man on the loose, but a part of him continuously watched because he could never seem to look away. That was the shameful part of it he’d never let himself admit; a man so odd and ill-mannered, a man so different than himself had managed to catch him off guard and lead him to places he’d never imagined he’d go. He’d been swept away from afar. _If only I could follow him everywhere,_ he thought. _If only._

“How is it,” Toshiro says rather quietly, nearly letting it out as a whisper.

“How’s what?”

_Family._

“…Nothing.” The word never sat quite right on his tongue, so he swallows it instead. A cigarette is tossed to the ground before he snuffs it out with his heel, a hand waving goodbye as he steps away and turns his head.

Perhaps it was better to leave certain things alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Toshi seems like the kind of guy who'd really love to settle down with someone and have a family of his own, but he always turns it away for his job and the feeling that he could never really be good enough for someone. I think that he'd hide his feelings from Gintoki in fear of his own shortcomings and just quietly chase him until he noticed or not.
> 
> *Edit (9/7): Damn, you guys go fast. Thanks for all the kudos! I deeply appreciate it.


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